Does This Rant Make Me Look Fat?

You Have Been Warned…

Yesterday, I went on a tear. A fire was lit underneath me and I couldn’t stop writing. One right after another, little things that keep bombarding me from news outlets. I mean, forget that Kiev is probably going to go the way of Syria any time now. Forget that Pussy Riot was publicly flogged in the street by government thugs while the Putin administration scratches their collective noggin and wonders out loud why nobody likes them. Forget about this winter’s weather and how it made 1963 look like a passing shower. Forget about Elk River and how the company responsible for poisoning most of West Virginia with impunity suddenly went magically bankrupt when called out on it. Forget about all that. There is only so much yelling-at-the-tv type news that I can take before I make that turn into madness. Living in Florida, there’s only so much one can take. On this particular day, there were three things that pushed down that straw ever so gently on top of that camel.

This is the first….

Photo and Story from the Associated Press, published in the New York Post, 12/19/14

 A Utah mother, while shopping in a mall with her 18 year old…well…young man, became so enraged at a Pac Sun display of t shirts that showed scantily clad models, that she did what every other normal mother of an 18 year old young man would do… Went into the store and purchased every last t-shirt on display…about $600 worth in total.

Now, granted that this is Utah. This is a state where bikinis are…shall we say…out of style. This is a state of Ultra-Conservative Mormons who have a history of considering Rolling Stone, Cream, Tiger Beat…pornography (thank you Jello Biafra). This is a state where Victoria Secret is close to being outlawed, but Abercrombie & Fitch still have their half naked male models displayed all over their walls and nobody bats an eyelid. This is a state where gay marriage is considered icky, but a man marrying multiple wives at the same time is a-ok. Utah is what it is and a tiger can’t change it’s stripes overnight. All you can do is just shake your head. Still, I can’t help thinking back to 2003.

…Does anyone remember the whole “Freedom Fry” thing? Around the time when ‘Murica REALLY started losing its mind?

In 2003, President Bush officially declared War on Terror at a UN Security Council Meeting. The French Minister of Foreign Affairs (which only sounds sexier than it actually is) declared in no uncertain terms that France will not support an invasion of Iraq. Upon hearing this, a lot of people in this country got a little bit unamused. Fox News fanned the flames of xenophobia and dredged up centuries of distrust towards the French (because, y’know, that’s what they do) by shouting their oh-so unbiased reports on Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast and Freedom Kissing and Freedom Ticklers and on and on… but one item they “reported” on caught my attention.

After the rash of banishing of the word French from everything on American markets, “Sorry, French’s Mustard, I know your product is named after a person and not the country, but you are going to have to change your name to ‘Billy Bob’s Kick Ass Yeller Hot Dog Sauce.’ Because ‘Murica, that’s why!” After all that madness started getting old, there was a movement by some people to buy all the Champagne they could and dump it out in the streets (sorry I couldn’t find a link for this. This actually happened, but it looks like all information on it has been wiped from the internet…hmmm). I remember seeing images on the morning news of these well dressed wall street types buying cases of really expensive French wine and dumping it into the streets like they were shooting for the same effect the Boston Tea Party did a long time ago. All the while, these well-coifed morons we’re laughing in the style of “Muaahhahahaaa…We sure showed them Froggies! Hehhehehhhh…” What you couldn’t hear in the background was the entire country of France laughing at them. “Ha HA, américains stupides! La blague est sur vous! Vous deviez toujours acheter notre champagne pour le déverser dehors. Ainsi remercie de tout l’argent comptant. Vous êtes un crétin complet!” Loosely translated it says, “You do realize that you had to BUY the Champagne in the first place in order to dump it out, right? Oh well…YES! oohhhh…[shake fist] I guess you showed us, what with you giving us a whole bunch of money…in…protest…soooo….GOOD LUCK!”

It would be one thing if they brazenly did a smash and grab job in every liquor store in their zip code; breaking in in the middle of the night and taking everything with a French label, taking it all to the nose-bleed section of a Wal Mart parking lot, and then setting it on fire. THAT would have made more of a statement. But they didn’t do that. This mother of an 18 year old young man could have made more of a statement by chucking paint balloons at the window thereby covering up all the naughty bits so as not to offend the eyes of her impressionable, young, innocent 18 year old son. THAT would have made more of a statement. But she didn’t do that. She instead choose to spend close to $600 of her own money, boosting this franchise’s revenue, probably enabling them to receive a huge bonus check and a pat on the back by the CEO, bringing them that much closer to opening another store nearby, all because she was protesting the so-called “indecent imagery” printed on the t-shirts. You didn’t make a stand against the tyranny of indecency, you actively participated in Capitalism. Congratulations! Way to stick it to the man!

Look, I grew up in the Eighties, and this whole uptight, conservative housewife act is nothing new to me. And


while I agree that sometimes boundaries can be pushed a little too far on things like pseudo erotic imagery on a t shirt, or unfettered access to 4Chan, or The Tea Party agenda, Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, Dance Moms, Real Housewives of…, TMZ, Birthers, Ted Cruz, Gangham Style, twerking, Hot Pockets, and the de-evloution of the English language in general, I also agree that shopping at the mall is gross. I however do not agree that shielding your 18 year old, [technically an] adult from images of boobies does anything for him. All it does is confirm that you still treat him like a toddler, and will probably make him not want to be seen with you. Ever. And honestly, did I mention that your son was 18? I don’t care if you live in Provo, Utah or Cairo, Egypt, if you feel that your 18 year old son is emotionally damaged from looking at something as innocuous as The Swimsuit Issue of Sports Illustrated or, god forbid, certain sections of a JC Penny Catalog, then he’s probably gay. Deal with THAT little nugget of information, Mrs. Religious Nutjob.

Oh mah goodn…I mean AAGGHH!! MY EYES!!

The mother is quoted as saying,  “I hope my efforts will inspire others to speak up within their communities,” So does every other shop and franchise owner in every other mall in America, ma’am. So do they…

Picture Credits:
Rant Ahead
Kate Upton


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