For the past few years, my horoscope app on my phone has been telling me to “Hang in there, baby! Something better is coming if you stay the course your on.” Or some derivation thereof.
|Well, you got yourself here. YOU figure it out!|
Years it’s been saying this. Years.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a neat little app. As horoscopes go, it’s certainly better written than most. But when it starts repeating more or less the same message, I tend to think that the app is broken, or it’s Groundhog Day, or that there’s really nothing in the stars for me, or maybe, just maybe, something’s happening around me and I have absolutely no idea what’s going on which is understandable because I work from home completely detached from any human interaction not that I’m complaining because I’m preferring being a shut in anyway because human interaction has become so repellent to me that it makes me queazy to even send a Tweet but that’s okay because I’m mostly following celebrities who can’t spare two minutes to RT something that I thought was rather clever but not that I’m complaining because the two or three regular people who aren’t spammers who follow me do actually take the time to point out how wrong I am about something that’s happening somewhere and I’m fine with that because at the end of the day I can handle being ignored and misunderstood on Twitter…on Facebook it was devastating…but that’s okay because going on a social network (any social network) and trying to participate when you know damn well that you’re anti-social is rather foolish actually but on the other hand fuck ’em who needs ’em when you have a house full of cats and news radio, right?….RIGHT??!
…but mostly I think the app is broken…
For the past few years, I’ve been traveling on the same squeaky hamster wheel I always do after an existential crisis: still stuck in the same place with very little incentive or means to move forward, which is nothing out of the ordinary. However, this time, I grew conscious of the pattern where I get stuck, try and figure a way out, set a goal and then get crushed a week or so later because the goal I set is, albeit noble, rather unrealistic. I had to go through this pattern a few more times before I just stopped, turned into a lump and gave up. What’s the point? Just give up and join the ranks of the walking dead. Get used to living at Wal Mart where “close enough” is a way of life. I could go back to school…again…but why bother? I’ll go to school to get a better paying job where ten thousand other people are all looking for the same position, only to find out when I get out that the thing I was going to school for is no longer considered I wise career move because the technology evolved or ten thousand other people are already filling that position, or I have the knowledge but not the real world experience, or I’m over-qualified, or whatever. In any case at the end of four years of trying to better myself, I still don’t have a job with a higher salary and, in fact, beginning to sink into debt faster than ever. This is the reasoning spiral I deal with on a daily basis. This is the sound of the hamster wheel. This is the past few years.
This is me.
Recently though, lightning has struck. Well…not me…more like struck a…tree…in the middle of a field…where no one else was around…but I saw it, so that counts, right? I have a new plan. And instead of flooring it the goal that I have in mind, I have decided to take the keys out of the ignition, get out of the vehicle, sit on the hood and survey the road in front of me, because this time visibility is great, the road is familiar and it is after all, a nice day outside. Details to come, and I mean it this time.