“See Lainey,” I whisper in my daughter’s ear as we pass by the sparkling plate glass windows. “This is where all the pretentious retards come to graze.” My mood was a little sour today. My girlfriend’s grandparents came to town, and one of the things they love to do when they come to Florida for the Holidays is to go halfway across the state for something as innocuous as a pizza. It’s not so bad because they go on their merry way and take the day to do whatever they want.
This year, they invited the grandkids. Which means the parents of the grandkids had to come too. Fine, I thought, let’s just get this over with. It’ll just be for an hour or two, then I can get back to business at hand.
No. It lasted all day. We met up with a second cousin. And she was catching up for years of not catching up. And she was so impressed with the home made Christmas cards that she makes every year and oh, Micheal’s is having an after-holidays blowout, and oh this is my first time at making artsy crafty crap, and could you give me some pointers andonandonandon…
My belly is full, I’m tired, bored and uncomfortable. I walk out of Micheal’s having seen all I needed to see 5 times over. So I walk, baby in my arms, Momma coming up from behind. Lainey doesn’t care, she’s having a grand time with her daddy and checking out her reflection in the windows. We end up at a coffee shop. We wait for everyone to catch up, which they do, and they proceed to linger and loiter further drawing my ire…I’ve checked out about an hour ago, all I want to do is go home.
I pick up my daughter, and we walk passed the shiny plate glass terrarium of Whole Foods’ cafe. My mood is sour, I revert back to my asshole stage. “See Lainey, these Green Freaks might save the world a lot quicker if they captured the methane from their own pretentious farts and use it as a fuel alternative. The problem is, they can’t find a tube small enough to penetrate their flowery assholes…” I go on like this for a few minutes. As I’m ranting, Lainey just smiles and waves to the people inside. The people, so enamored, smile and wave back.
It takes someone who has a vague comprehension of the English language to say, “Hey, chill.”