The rug is filthy, but it’s the last thing I’m thinking about as I try to will the walls of the living room to stop spinning.
Birch wood smoke has always been a favorite odor of mine. It’s particularly one of my favorites as I speed passed the smoke with the windows rolled down.
Even though I spent the entire day in Washington Square Park, I find that I can’t remove myself from the stone steps of the Synagogue on the corner to write the last verse of a song that I just hobbled together.
I focus on the silence, on the traffic passing outside, the breeze dancing with the window in the living room. I like these little moments of calm, it makes me appreciate the days of madness that much more.
“I am bulletproof,” I mutter to myself as I downshift to the bend in the road. I’m grinning like an idiot on a road that I traveled many times before, knowing in my heart of hearts that I may never do so again.
I knew it was her birthday. She knew that I knew it was her birthday. I could have done something normal like dinner or a movie. But no, I had to take the “homemade” approach and write her a song.
I’m twenty-two. It’s late summer, I have a day off from work and yet I find myself back at work. Not to work, but to donate blood. I thought it might be a good gesture to make an appearance and do my good deed for the day. I haven’t donated in a long time and it felt good knowing that I might have saved a couple of lives that day. I also wondered if the people I saved would appreciate the free ride I gave them because I indulged in my usual excessive behavior at a party a few nights ago. By the time they give you your “I Just Donated Blood!” sticker and offered you a second helping of chocolate chip cookies, they have already told you at least thrice to take it easy for at least 2 hours afterwards, do not smoke or drink alcohol for at least 6, and do not operate any machinery immediately after donating.
These apocryphal harbingers of doom are promptly ignored as I get behind the wheel and light up a Camel for the ride home. It was my day off. Although I was doing the nice guy thing, it did not mean that I wanted to spend the rest of the day recuperating at the place I work at. Besides, it was not, nor would it be the last time I drove home feeling….ohhh…let’s say, a little light headed as it were.
Cookies and juice are nice, but they do little to stave off the altered state of perception a little bloodletting can provide. What I really need is calm. Calm and silence. Food will come later, after all, I have all day. “Just let me feel the breeze,” I thought, “The breeze and the afternoon sun, and I’ll have my head on straight in a few minutes.”
Then, I heard the front door open.
I’m eighteen. It’s late summer, and I’m driving to no particular destination on a winding, hilly stretch of road on Mt. Desert Island. My car is a piece of shit 1986 Ford Escort GT that I spent the previous summer babying. It was my Millennium Falcon; it may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts. It was my second car, and as a privilege of youth, it was my duty to get into as much trouble as I could with it. At least, that’s what I’d like to think at the time. I had a romantic vision of myself being a reckless speed demon, but in reality, the thing was a four cylinder, 5 speed, no options, and had a top speed of 50 mph, and even then it took gentle negotiation to get that needle to hoover around that number. Not much badassery going on there. Still, it was a blast to drive.
But regardless, high school career over, my summer with a troupe of struggling artists was winding to a close, and in a few weeks, I’ll be heading out to college. From every angle in the driver’s seat, all I can see is green. From where I sit, I have the world in my lap and nothing will get in my way.
Then I do the math.
I’m twenty-five. It’s late summer, and I’m going to enjoy this one single solitary day not being at work, or attached at my girlfriend’s hip. It was a postcard perfect day…in the park…where everyday’s the Fourth of July.
I needed room. Just enough. The walls of the crummy basement apartment were getting to me and the air was just a little too still. I wanted to catch New York on a good day, so I packed up my guitar, and headed to Manhattan to find the closest park I could walk to that was near the 3 Line. All around me is green. All around me is fresh grass, the bluest sky and a dancing laundry line of color playing all around me. I wasn’t sober, but I was more sober than I had been. I’m trying to put words on paper to a song that I had in my head. The words aren’t coming, and the melody is holding out for a better paying gig; a mutual disagreement for everyone involved. Negotiations broke down quickly and picket lines were bolstered in my mind. All around me is a wonderful distraction. The words in front of me are a pathetic few. I pack up. I walk. I search for some other inspiration.
Then I lose track of time.
It’s hard to concentrate on anything else.
It’s been a while since I felt like myself.
My attention is turning west,
I need to get this off my chest,
You’ve made my life more complete,
When I call back to the days of Hotel Pine St.
A familiar head poked around the corner and spied a familiar person sprawled out on a cheap, yard sale rug taking in the fresh air and what was left of a late afternoon sunset. My Friend smiles his goofy smile and waves, I smile and wave back. He turns around and without a word, inspects the rest of the apartment for other inhabitants; a gentle recon mission that reminds me of a child looking for Santa Claus on Christmas Morning. He’s restless. Bored. When he gets like this, which is on occasion, no good could ever come from it. That is to say, when he gets like this, me and perhaps everyone who might be in the room with me is at risk for going on a little ride with him. Not that we don’t encourage him. Not that we don’t avoid him when we see a change come. First and foremost, he is our friend. Second of all, it was the Nature of the Beast to do what thou wilt. Like we needed encouraging.
“Hey, man.” He finished his sweep of the apartment and has put his attention to the only biped left around.
“Hey,” I replied. “How’s it goin’?” Our dialogue being the very height and breadth of wit.
“Pretty good.” His attention is drawing him to other places, his fingers searching for something. His voice was the tenor of a man in his golden years on the front porch swing. He’s only half paying attention. “Why are you on the floor?”
“Well, I just got back from donating blood,” I say trying to not sound like I’m woozy, “and I’m just lying herrrrre relaxing.”
“That’s nice,” he said, half interested. What I needed was calm. Calm and silence. Food would come later, but with him in the picture, with that goofy look on his face, any personal pursuit of relaxation would have to be put on hold. “Hey,” he finally blurted out as the light bulb he was so eager to light in his head finally clicked. Here it comes, I thought. Here comes the whirlwind. Just stick to your guns and tell him you’re not in the mood right now. Time to take it easy. Whatever he has up his sleeve can just wait. “I was wondering,” he continued with that look, “would you like to smoke some hash and ride on the back of a motorcycle?”
I’ve been stuck in the bottleneck of the Miracle Mile in Ellsworth and now I’m making a bee line to Bar Harbor on the as-of-yet undeveloped area of Route 3. The act of sitting still in summer time traffic winds me up like a Mickey Mouse wristwatch and I’m driving faster than I should be. The wood smoke I smell is the byproduct of the lobster shantys that dot the side of the road; Little mom-and-pop shacks that boil the day’s catch outside in these huge metal pots built inside these ancient brick woodstoves. White smoke from wet birch logs billows for hours. It collects thick near the stove and then dissipates, painting the wind, and gives the tourists and townies alike a subtle reminder that summer is in full swing, and you won’t be leaving these parts without having at least one basket of steamers under your belt.
It’s not yet Labor Day, and you could already feel the hint of the sea change in the air. Morning dew is collecting thick on leaves, telling them to make arrangements on changing their decor. Out of State plates have become fewer as the herd of traffic from Bangor to the Sea Coast becomes thinner and thinner. You might see a straggler in from Iowa or Illinois, a minivan from New York bravely hanging around for Foliage Season, Cadillacs from Canada their trunks full of Outlet schwag on their way back across the border. For the most part, these last few days are ours. These days were saved for us to do with as we saw fit. For some it meant getting a jump start on gathering winter fuel, for the rest of us, it meant doing what comes naturally when the sun asks you to dance. Warm weather came at a premium price, and some of us indulged to the fullest extent so that we may survive the winter blues. These days were saved for me, and I was doing what came naturally.
Our last show was wrapping this weekend. I have already begun my mental rough draft of a good bye note that I will have to recite to my fellow artists, gypsies and vagabond friends in a few days. Summer Stock theater might be the last stop on the way down for some, but for people on the way up, it was nothing but good times, good connections and a highlight on a very meager resume. I knew most of these people, I’ve worked with them previously. In a few weeks I was to enter College as a theater major; a fact that to this day, I try and downplay. So this summer was work, play, get experience, maybe make connections, and most importantly, spend some quality time with my best girl. Ah yes, my last high school romance. She was the very essence of “naughty and nice”; a sweet veneer coating surrounding a soft, nougaty core of damaged goods served up on a plate of Catholic Guilt. She was a summertime daydream, still in high school, a lovely sight, and ohhh…who am I kidding……?
Things just seemed clearer driving 15 miles over the speed limit. It helped me put things into perspective. 15 miles over the speed limit isn’t reckless. Not yet, anyway. It’s just fast enough to let the world spin by on the hum of mosquito wings. It’s just fast enough to get some alone time with you and your conscience. The air rushing threw the open windows, the Van Halen mix tape you have sputtering through your pathetic set of Radio Shack speakers, the smell of smoke wafting through, crystal clear blue skies and the sun on your face all help in aiding your denial, but sooner or later…..
Oh, not now. Not now, not now…I’m having a good day.
“I know, I am too, so I’ll make this brief. You do realize you are going into a field that has a low success rate for employment, your car’s a piece of shit, and there is absolutely no way in hell that your girlfriend is going to wait around for you when you come back for summer break, you do realize that, right?” I don’t answer. I rewind the tape back to the beginning. “C’mon, I know you can hear me.“
I don’t want to talk about this now.
“Good, at least you’ve thought about it. Tell you what, just admit that this paradise you’ve concocted is going to disappear the moment this summer ends, and I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the week. Deal? Good. Now, just say ‘yes’ and we can get back to admiring the view.“
The view, by the way, is spectacular. From the drivers’ seat, all I can see is green. It rushes up one side of a mountain, and slides down to the ocean. It’s the green that makes jealousy even greener. “Yes,” I say out loud to no one in particular. “Good,” comes the reply from no one in particular. The tape deck clicks to the beginning of tape.
A few years ago, I stole her and ran blind and mad to New York. I was nowhere near thinking clearly back then, but I had to try. I needed to make my own mistakes. I needed to fuck up royally. I needed to do something foolish. Anything to keep from drowning in complacency. If I was to start my acting carrer, I needed to be where the action is. I needed to know. I needed to experience. I was in my mid-twenties, and I was trying to avoid the inevitable intersection of ambition and reality where starving artists meets in a head on collision with full time, dead-end job. Now its present day, and my vision of a better future wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. The brochure lied again. But, I’m trying to make it work.
Nightfall came on so suddenly. It’s a good indication of how long I spent on a subway. She is home now after working all day in Staten Island. I’m almost home after a day of wandering around Manhattan. I pause on the stone steps of a Synagogue on the corner to write the last hackneyed line for some half baked song. A birthday present for my girlfriend.
But, I’m trying to make it work.
The view is stunning, and all at once, this overwhelming feeling of being alive flows over me like the smokey ocean wind that’s blowing through my windows. Go ahead, laugh like madman, crank up Little Guitars on your stereo as loud as your little speakers can hold it, take a deep breath, and most importantly, remember this feeling for the rest of your life. You may never come back here. Not to this moment, not to this feeling, ever again. Enjoy it while it lasts, it’ll all be over soon. As you gaze at the chaotic perfection of mountain ranges that have carved their initials on this island, remember this one thing….
“It’ll have to do,” I say to myself as I clench the crumpled up wad of paper in my mouth, stick the pencil behind my ear and pack up my guitar for that 36 step walk back home. I can’t shake this feeling of dread, and I couldn’t quite explain it. I couldn’t explain it because I couldn’t see it for what it was: I was too busy being the good boyfriend to notice that I was being disingenuous in my gesture to someone who could not abide by disingenuous people. Still though, it’s the thought that counts, especially when I didn’t have two nickles to rub together. Just go inside and get it over with. Get it over with and try not to think about…
…I don’t want to leave.
…I can never really leave.
…I have to leave. And, I can’t help thinking that I’ve been here before.